Before I met my adult best friend over 20 years ago, I used to buy myself sunglasses made for children. I have a very narrow face and I looked (still look) ridiculous in adult size sunglasses. Then one year she (my then and now adult best friend) purchased me a really nice (read: expensive) pair of adult size sunglasses and they fit beautifully. They did not slip and slide and I did not look like a little girl playing dress up with her mother’s too big sunglasses.
Then after I moved away from her I made enough money to buy myself lovely sunglasses in grown-up sizes that fit my face. Sunglass Hut (are they still around? I’ve been away for a while) used to offer birthday gifts of 20% off all sunglasses. And I would take advantage of this every year—because you know sunglasses wear out when you use them for almost a year.
The last pair of nice (read: expensive) sunglasses I purchased before I went away, and they survived with my ex even though the relationship did not. And when my younger brother picked me up at prison to bring me home, of all the things she (the ex) did not return the sunglasses were returned. I left prison in style and have pics in front of the BOP sign to prove it.
Sadly, my sunglasses that survived my imprisonment (and their own to be truthful—they were stuck inside the velvet lined case for as long as I was locked away) were stolen from me at that shady reentry house. No more sunglasses and no more brother. I miss the sunglasses more than the younger brother (another day another blog).
Two weeks ago I was with my niece and great nephew at like a Dollar store or something and I picked out a pair of child size sunglasses. I put them on and said to my niece, “How do I look?” Her look was suspicious even though she smiled showing her teeth. She said, “Yeah. I think you should get those. They look great.” But she giggled a low almost silent laugh. Then my great nephew—who is not quite five—looks over and says, “Hey Auntie I have the same sunglasses.” I whispered to my niece “Jackass” and she laughed really loud. I put the sunglasses back.
Today was really sunny so I stopped by Walmart to pick up some necessities. Let me explain, I hate Walmart. But my niece told me a while ago, “Auntie you don’t have money any more. You are poor so you can’t be political about where you shop.” She is so wise and a smart ass. Thus, I went to the world’s largest corporate poverty pimp to get affordable toilet paper, some fruit for my homemade sangria and saw some sunglasses—adult size. I took off my eyeglasses and tried them on. Which is problematic anyway, because I don’t see well without my glasses. However they seemed stylish and were CHEAP. So, I purchased them, took the tags off and headed out of the place feeling guilty for participating in Walmart’s exploitation of the WORLD.
I got to the bus stop and put on the shades. While my ass, thighs and hips have spread and gotten round, my face has not. My face refuses to grow up and the sunglasses would not stay up. I mean really they just kept falling off, either slipping down my face or just falling from my ears. When I pushed them back in to place the handles stuck out way pass my ears. I tried and tried and looked like a jackass attempting to make these cheap ass shades stay on. I did not look cute. I stuck them in my bag and put my bifocals back on.
Next time you see me I will be wearing a pair of sunglasses sized to fit a child and I really don’t care. They will not be the same style as those of my great nephew. I’m thinking Hello Kitty or some female super hero brand. If you have any suggestions let me know. And if anyone wants these Cheap Sunglasses from the king of poverty pimps they are free!