And no I am not talking about 50 Shades–there is something very wrong that I even had to write that!
Today was one of those days where I could not even leave my apartment. There is so much I want to share about what happened, but I have completely shut down. I have oscillated between fear and deep despair. I have gone from being enraged to laughing at the absurdity of my life–life in general. Now I’m sitting here listening to public radio, jumping every time the tree branches smack against my windows and wanting to just be in the middle of my emotions.
Yesterday was Holy Monday (ALERT: I’m Episcopalian–in fact I am a good queer Episcopalian which a friend of mine says is redundant and to stop saying it–I disagree about it being redundant). On Palm Sunday the Associate Minister of the church I attend talked about trying to really focus on this week and to make our way to any church during the week if we couldn’t make it to our home church.
Yesterday, I spent from 8:30 to 2:45 p.m. in court securing a Civil Protective Order (CPO) against someone. It was a long, painful experience, but the CPO was granted. Then, after the trauma of court, I went to work and stayed until 5:30 p.m. Then I jumped on a bus and then another bus and arrived eight minutes late for the 6:30 p.m. Holy Eucharist. It was a small gathering (no more than 10), but the solitude was grand. Not only did I find the Grey, I found relief and peace. I reluctantly headed home and kept the Grey with me because I had no energy for high fear or low sadness.
Then this morning it all fell apart and I am still too overwhelmed to share it, but in finding the Grey, I need to feel safe and that was stolen from me today. I am so exhausted from Jackasses coming along and spreading fear. I am tired of having to constantly seek safety in the comfort of the words of others (not that I don’t want the words of comfort), because I want to learn to comfort myself. And when I cannot comfort myself, I want to be able to leave the fucking apartment and at the very least go find some solitude and Grey at my church or at a coffeehouse or just by taking a long walk.
Sadly, today and the rest of the evening fear and black and white have trapped me and I just have to believe that I will not always live mostly in fear and sadness. I have to believe that the Grey is in me and be able to find it when it all seems one dimensional and black.